Conquering entropy

Abdelrahman ElGendy is a former political prisoner in Egypt who spent more than six years behind bars, from October 6, 2013 at the age of 17 until his release on January 13, 2020, at 24. While in prison, he earned an engineering degree from Ain Shams University. He first began publishing his writing on Mada Masr from prison.

The river flowed and flowed. The current was strong. It swept everything in its way: rocks, trees, animals, branches, sand, particles, molecules, atoms, everything.

It was rushing by too fast and all the dark bodies inside went along. The harmony was palpable. Everything was conforming to the larger scheme of things. The current went by, and everything complied.

At the far end of the scene, a shadow appeared. Inside the river, it stood. Wavering, yet somehow firm. Thrust backward so hard, yet resisting. Neither giving up, nor giving in.

The scene was in harmony, before the shadow stepped in with an off-key note.

The river continued to flow, fiercer than before. It swished, while the shadow remained unyielding. It was unrecognizable. It could have been anything. Another object. Another tree. Another animal.

Then it did something magical. Something miraculous. 

It took a step forward.

In the opposite direction.

It was a figure, human.

How did I know? No, not the face. Not the body shape. It never spoke either.

It did something else completely.

It stood against the flow.

* 

Entropy

dropping down to my knees i stared at the cell door in a state of mixed emotions or are they are they emotions really are they are they

i had once read about anti-matter there was matter which is every physical thing around us physicists claim there is something called anti-matter it’s the opposite of matter same mass different charge and when they meet they annihilate each other it doesn’t make any sense but it does now it does

Could that whirlpool in my chest be anti-emotions maybe waiting for me to feel something and as soon as I do I get annihilated in a swoosh of pure energy maybe it is because it hurts so bad so it hurts so bad

Each time they leave and each time i stay being left behind had become second nature to me yet had it had it the pain is always fresh the agony almost brand new

whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy

why?

the images blurred in my mind the thoughts swirled twirling colliding against each other and against the inner wall of my skull the inside of my head was a perfect model of my exterior surroundings

the chaos the randomness the disorder.

i stood up night was falling i lay on my back in my tiny sleeping space only 30 centimeters wide on two thin blankets on top of each other only yesterday i had wished for a few more centimeters to relax my shoulders to rest my back fully on the ground or to sit cross-legged and just stop touching all those people who disgusted me so much by their constant abuse of my privacy with their words and stares and comments and touches and touches and touches and touches

i have the cell all to myself now the entire tiny space of it with the dirty disgusting bathroom i hadn’t realized what the exchange entailed though i never thought i would feel something so strange i thought i’d be free free free—

i missed the warmth

I scanned every inch of the room over and over and over all the memories all the pain all the fights all the laughs all the tears all of it all of it

i screamed so loud and ripped my chest open and tore my heart out and smashed it against the wall and crushed it with my feet over and over and over and over

i closed my eyes and slept.

*

In My Escape to Freedom, a book Alija Izetbegovic wrote in prison, he says: "Somehow, the child is more human than the adult man, because the child has the most attractive and most convincing traits, and they are spontaneous will and feelings. And then as a person grows older, he loses some of his “humanity.” Some of what he brought from heaven. During life, man moves away from his origin. … Is our life a continuous increase in entropy just like the life of nature?”

You are probably wondering what entropy is.

Here’s a simplified explanation from Professor Mohamed Abdel-Raouf for the term entropy — which may be familiar to engineering and science students — and what Begovic meant by it in this context.

"Any closed system tends to turn into a state of homogeneity and equality between all its parts with the passage of time. For example, when throwing a drop of ink in a cup of water, we notice the spread of ink in water slowly over time until the system (ink dissolved in water) reaches a state of homogeneity, equilibrium and equal spread of ink in water — here we say that the entropy of this system increased and changed. The entropy here indicates the possibilities of chaos and disorganization reaching a state of equilibrium and equality between all parts of the system.

“To determine the exact meaning of the entropy, we note that the spread of ink in water is easy and occurs naturally, but if we want to separate the ink from water, this is a difficult process which requires work and energy. Here we say that the entropy of this system is high; that is, the possibility of reaching the state of equality between all parts and atoms of the system — and of chaos and disorganization — is easier and greater than the possibility of ink and water atoms remaining in a state of separation, organization and arrangement. Hence, the entropy of the dissolved ink is much higher.

“Imagine that the whole of nature or the universe is this closed system, and man is one of the parts of this system. Physically it is known that nature is moving in the direction of a continuous increase in entropy, that is, reaching a state of homogeneity and equilibrium between all its parts.

“Except for human beings. They alone go against the trend, in the direction of entropy deficiency, staying independent of the physical, natural system until they die. To understand what Begovic is talking about, let us imagine that a person comes as a child to this world, completely different and independent of it, especially in spiritual, psychological and moral terms, and he must exert energy and effort to preserve his state of origin and human uniqueness until he dies. But if, over time, a person becomes involved in the world of matter and tends to harmonize with the laws of nature, here we say that he applies to himself the laws of nature (moving towards a continuous increase in entropy). That is, if he loses his human characteristics and moves away from the origin, then there is no difference between him and any other part of nature.”

*

Resistance

When the AC’s cold breeze brushes against my face, I am stunned by the cold wetness at the corners of my eyes. I am lying on my bed, laptop open, watching the movie.

I haven’t cried for years. All those years in there left me drained. I have no tears to spare for emotional distress, for heartbreak, for missing loved ones, for anxiety, for any kind of sadness whatsoever.

Also, almost nothing touches me anymore: The romantic scenes in movies that I used to smile at, the devastating news events that would make me shiver, the goosebumps on my skin and hair standing on my arms at scenes of death,

and the wistfulness I drowned in after tragic endings.

Almost nothing touches me anymore.

Nearly.

I was mesmerized by the tears rolling down my cheeks, from the eyes that were glued to the screen.

“The Hate U Give” was the movie’s name. African American people were everywhere, screaming at the top of their lungs. The veins bulging in their necks. The air sparkling and filled with something terrifying. Ferocity, fury, and fire.

“No justice, no peace! No racist police!” Their chants reverberated. They were protesting the murder of a young black man by the police for the mere crime of being black. I watched fear gradually recede  from eyes it once resided in. And watched the flames rise. Inside them, and around them.

And the flicker within my heart. Slowly catching and spreading, warming every inch of my soul.

The march breaking out. The police attacking. The people resisting. The fires erupting.

The screams. The pain. And the ineffable energy flowing in the atmosphere, burning them up, uniting them all together.

The chaos. The randomness. The disorder.

And the tears streaming down my face.

___

Dependents and Heretics¹ 

“There is a kind of people who admire strong power, who like discipline, who adore the outer order similar to that of the army, ‘where it is known who gives orders and who obeys them.’ They like the new parts of a town where all the houses are the same, in straight rows, and with identical facades. They like uniforms, military music bands, spectacles, parades, and other lies that ‘embellish’ life and make it easier. They particularly like ‘everything to be according to the law.’ These are the people with the mentality of dependents. They simply like being dependents; they like safety, order, establishment; they like being praised by their heads; they like being recipients of mercy. Moreover, they are honest, peaceful, loyal, conscientious citizens. Dependents like having authority, and authority likes having dependents. They go together, as parts of a whole.” 

“On the other side, there are those who are unhappy, damned, or cursed, who are always in revolt against something, who always want something new. They talk less of bread and more about freedom, less about peace and more about human personality. They do not accept the idea that the king gives them their salary; on the contrary, they claim that they feed the king ("it is not the government that supports us, but we who support the government"). These external heretics do not like authority, nor does authority like them. In religions, dependents adore people, authorities’ idols; lovers of freedom and rebels, however, praise only God.”

-Alija Izetbegovic

___

Entropy

i screamed in frustration i just couldn’t understand it it was too hard extremely hard it just didn’t want to sink in it was just so f—

i stared at the numbers on the page again and the explanation on the sheets i started over for the millionth time and screamed for the millionth time i fell on my back and passed my fingers through my hair through and through and through then remembered it was forcibly shaved yesterday after the 10-minute visit that comes once every two weeks when my fingers found nothing to go through i felt a poke in my heart remembering my family’s faces one by one all the lying hopeful words we exchanged the truth of which their eyes conveyed all the unsaid words and the unshed tears and the hidden fears and my exploding hate and rage towards every individual in that place i wanted to hurt them all in every possible way and my sadness

my arms fell to my side i tried not to touch the new inmates i am squeezed between my fingers touched the piece of paper under my blanket that i absentmindedly grabbed like i did countless times before i gazed at it and snatched it out it was a smuggled letter from a while back that contained some messages of support from the outside world i scoffed and cursed the support and my life and humanity and tore the paper into a million pieces and burned it and flushed the ashes down the disgusting hole in the ground where it belonged

i opened the letter and read.

“You don’t know me. But you have changed my life. Every time I read something you wrote. Every time I hear a new bit of your story. Every year in college you pass in there with absolutely no help or explanation! It amazes me! I have a completely new vision of life now. You helped put everything into perspective. Two years ago, I had absolutely no vision or plans. I didn’t think I was good enough to do anything. I never thought myself as anything but average. It was my final year in high school, and I knew I was going to some average college. Have an average future. Just a new drop in the vast sea of average people.

Then I started following you.

I am now in my second year in college. I study mechanical engineering just like you. And I’m not average. I never will be.

And I have you to thank for that.

Don’t stop, because it is thanks to you that we keep going.”

I stared at the final line for a bit. Then I took a deep breath.

Slowly, I sat upright again, forgetting for a moment that having the cell to myself was never going to last. I squeezed my shoulders between the two cell mates on either side of me, put my notes on my left thigh, my notebook on the right, the calculator in the middle, held my pen, and started my one millionth and first attempt.

___

Jean-Jacques Rousseau claims that the main difference between humans and animals is "freedom." Or what he calls elsewhere “the ability to improve and develop.”

Man is the only being who has the ability to move against his natural program. We call this program “instinct.” You never find a gazelle gathering supporters to revolt against the violence and oppression of lions, nor lions that develop new methodologies to hunt down gazelles with advanced traps, or decide in a sudden awakening of conscience to turn into vegetarians and never spill the blood of a fellow animal ever again.

Only man possesses this trait of rebelling against nature and against himself. Man, alone, is the creature that comes up with actions that are in direct conflict to his interests.

What logic justifies the care of the sick and the elderly, and what survival instinct explains a sacrifice for principles and ideas? 

None.

That is why when God established the principle of reward and punishment, or in other words, "responsibility," He emphasized the value of Man as a human being. That is why we also feel the inhumanity of choosing the right thing on someone else’s. Of making their choices for them. Rather, we find it more humane to let them make mistakes and bear the consequences of their own choices.

We measure the value of human actions, not by how they fall according to our standards of right and wrong, but rather by how “freely” they are made.

___

Resistance

No one could understand why. How can I switch my interest to education after all I’ve been through? Five excruciating years of mechanical engineering on my own, with no help, no explanations, no study groups, no internet, no tutors, in the hardest school in the country, and to overcome all this, to graduate inside, and then decide willingly to let it all go? They just didn’t get it.

And I didn’t expect them to.

I smiled through the screen at my student, and continued the online conversation session I was giving her.

“I want you now to tell me about your dreams in English!”

She stammered, too shy to speak, fearful of expressing herself in a foreign language.

Of not finding the right words.

I gently pushed her and motivated her until she started speaking.

“I just.. I not really have a dreams now.”

“Really? Well, I guess we’ll have to figure them out together!”

I gently corrected her grammar, and then started screen sharing a white board and drew a circle.

“Tell me 3 things you are talented at.”  She hesitated, and then started speaking. I wrote down what she said in the circle.

“Now, what would you say is your passion in life? What are the things that give you great joy when you do or experience them?”

Her eyes lit up, and words started flowing more smoothly.

I wrote all her passions in the second circle, encouraging her to speak more.

Then I drew a third circle and wrote inside it: “Hard Work.”

“Now, I want you to look at this part.” I highlighted the intersection of the 3 circles. “This is what you should pursue with all your heart. The intersection of your talents, passion, and hard work. Put all your effort in here.” 

She was gazing at the highlighted part longingly, like it was something she always knew deep inside but dared not speak out loud.

“And hey!” Her eyes lifted to meet mine. “Do NOT let anyone take this away from you.”

___

Being blessed with the opportunity to affect others is a rare chance to touch the essence of humanity. I believe that being a person who is deeply aware of his human experience is the key to understanding one’s existence. Because, in short, I consider human freedom to be the greatest proof of God's existence. Our freedom gives us supremacy over the laws of nature, as I have previously detailed, in essence, not just in degree. I personally believe no being can create another being that is fundamentally superior to it.

I have noticed that in all science fiction movies, we can never create a being with essentially superior qualities. We soon turn to the orbits of the senses — of hearing, sight, smell, touch and taste. So, we might make it taste with its skin, smell with UV rays, see using electromagnetic waves, or mess with the form and number of its organs and members and so on. Because simply, if it differs from us fundamentally, we will not be able to capture this difference with our imagination in the first place.

Also, imagine that you are trying to describe the sense of smell, for example, to someone who has never smelled in their life.

Or the idea of hearing to a deaf person. We understand these senses not because of our actual ability to take note of them and explain them as separate, abstract truths independent of our perception, but because we all share a mutual experience of them. So imagine not only possessing a fundamentally superior sense, but rather a whole being that is fundamentally superior to us.

This is why I believe that nature is incapable of creating us and giving us a freedom that it does not even possess in the first place. I see, accordingly, that only God is able to create a free being, such as a human, to whom He is superior in essence. I believe the existence of God is the only meaning for existence, without which all purposes lose meaning.

This also explains the hidden inner feeling of contempt that fills us when we look upon all those who try to deprive man of his freedom of choice, even in the name of "truth" or "goodness."

Being able to use that freedom and what you believe in is what gives your existence meaning. Thus, we understand the tendency of religions and reformers to urge us to discipline ourselves and to positively influence those around us. We understand the deeper meaning in forms of worship such as fasting, which nearly every religion practices in some form or another. It is not just the pure bearing of hunger and thirst, teaching of patience, or getting a feel for how the poor suffer. I see it as a reflection of our freedom, which affirms our uniqueness and always reminds us of our humanity.

We fast because we are the only beings who can. We fast to always remember that we have a choice, that we have a will, to move against our nature. We fast because we are free.

Freedom is the epitome of humanity.

___

Entropy

they sat in silence fear clouding their faces they have taken their friends to solitary and no one wanted to remember all the slaps and screams and blood from his nose running down his face and into his mouth and his body being dragged what they did to him along the way they were threatened to suffer the same fate if another shout was heard over the cell’s door

they discussed all possible options hunger strike not taking their rations leaving the cell and standing outside once the door opens so much noise so much noise so much nonsense nothing would make a difference nothing matters i heard all the noise like distant buzzing in my head was my own storm why why why

why is this happening what’s the point of doing anything what’s the point of going on why not just die here and now and decompose and turn into beautiful absolute nothingness how can everything be so random what value does standing up for anything have now

i watched my brother being dragged away and i said nothing i did nothing 

i was nothing 

what good am i then how better am i than all the cowards of this world who saw injustice and stood by watching silent silent silent

I stared at the cell door longingly with the raging emotions in my chest stared at the small barred window.

I stared stared stared—

And did nothing.

___

In primary school science, we were taught that stars are massive bodies that combust internally and so produce great amounts of light and heat, while planets are but dark bodies that sometimes reflect the light of stars which causes them to look temporarily bright.

That’s us. 

Some of us are stars. Some of us are planets. And we make up the world. The problem was that I had thought of the world as a separate entity, when it’s actually nothing but us.

I believe the only way to give meaning to this life is to transform the lives of others.

The only way is to be a star.

To radiate light and warmth everywhere you step, to watch the faces of planets light up when they’re exposed to you, and if you’re lucky enough — if you’re the luckiest person ever — you’ll witness some of them metamorphose into their own shining stars, catalysed by your presence in their orbit.

Have you ever been to a concert, with the spotlight focused on the pianist pouring their soul out through their fingers, moving madly with passion, being one with their music, and everyone is staring in awe, feeling something that’s bigger than all of them in the air, something no one can quite put their finger on but everyone senses? And in that moment, their skins start tingling with goosebumps and you can see the light reflected on their faces from that blazing sun onstage.

It’s that particular moment when lives change. It’s in that specific instant that love, transformation and humanity all blend together.

It can be witnessed in acts ranging from the biggest to the smallest.

In a line of a song that made your heart skip a beat. A page of a book you could not stop turning. A speech on a podium that made you shiver. A smile and a kind touch that warmed your heart. In a word or a deed. And it’s your responsibility to absorb enough light to be a star, radiating that moment back into as many lives as possible.

The path of transformation is long and difficult. But it does not really matter whether or not you reach the finish line. The only thing that matters is that you walk the path till the end of your days.

___

Resistance

“Yes! That was wonderful! Did you hear yourself? Do you remember our first session? Can you hear yourself now? I’m so proud of you!”

She had just finished a presentation about a random topic I had picked on the spot and asked her to improvise like we had learned throughout the course. I asked her to talk about gender equality, present both sides of the argument, then state her own take on the matter. She steadily started with an introduction, followed by two well-explained narratives about the two sides of the argument, provided her own opinion, and concluded perfectly.

And she looked happier than ever.

“I can safely leave you now knowing you’ll be able to express yourself perfectly whenever you want. And you only have yourself to thank for this. I did nothing but coach you along the way. Many people spend months taking courses and end up at the same place they started. This was all you!”

She smiled radiantly. And then we continued chatting until the end of their last session.

“I really am going to miss you and miss the sessions! Do not hesitate to contact me anytime you need anything at all.”

I started to say goodbye, when she abruptly said: “I need to tell you something.”

I nodded.

“I came to you so I can learn how to express myself in English.” She caught my eyes. “And I ended up learning how to express myself. Period.”

I couldn’t contain my ear-to-ear smile.

___

Dr. Ezzeldine Shoukri Fesheir says in his novel Bab Al-Khoroug:

“Every escape is temporary. Until another meteorite of despotism and narrow-mindedness hits you. If you continue to flee, you will live in constant flight. There is no such dream like that which Omar Khayyam, and those who followed in his footsteps, sold to us: The rich garden in which you lie with your sweetheart on a safe rug, you eat, drink, and have fun, and you fall asleep to the beat of music and wake up in joy, completely indifferent to the world and its evils. Yahya, there is no place for this dream except in sleep. As for here, there is no safety for you without others. You will not find safety in fear, and if you ever imagine that you have found it, know that it is temporary, and a thick stick will strike and destroy it at any moment.

“You can pretend to be safe. You can continue to live on the margins, imagining that something will protect you: your position, a relative or a friend, your behavior and being distant from problems, or your insignificance. But none of this protects you when the hand of the Oppressor strikes down on your face, on your stage, on the bubble that you made for yourself, or on top of your entire city, or even on the face of the person who walks next to you. Then, even if the blow does not hit you directly, killing you, injuring you, or bursting your bubble, it will strike your neighbor, and you will see that with your eyes, and something will shrink in you. Something will contract in you. Something will die in you. And from this day onwards you become deprived of freedom. Deprived of will. Deprived of courage. Deprived of manhood.

“Deprived of humanity.

“Never settle for this. No one but God sees blessings disguised in the form of indignities. So, resist the wrong and leave the rest to the Creator. You have no choice but to fight injustice when it comes to you if you want to be human. I do not ask you to devote your life to fighting injustice, nor to roam the earth in search of it, like the Phoenix, to erase it. But you have to be prepared at every moment when the stick of injustice strikes you or strikes near you. When a flying meteor of injustice collides with you, you must confront it at all costs. You have no other choice. Because if you accept injustice, you’re done.

“And don't worry about the result of your deeds too much, no one knows the result of their deeds. But resisting injustice is a must. Resisting injustice is all I can see. My eyes cannot help me to see any further, and this is not my fault. This is how God created us.

“So, why do we ask of ourselves a ‘right’ which is beyond us?"

I interpret the meaning of resisting injustice in this wonderful literary text in a much broader context, which is being a source of positive change in life.

For if you extend a helping hand to someone in need, you resist injustice. If you shed sweat, blood, and tears to put a smile on the face of a little girl in a refugee camp, you resist injustice. If you put your pen to paper, if you sing a verse, if you act a scene, paint a picture, stand on a podium, give a lecture, radiate light on the blackness of humanity and fight darkness, then you definitely resist injustice.

In this sense, change is all I can see. To cause change is to be a human being.

And being human, is what gives my life meaning.

___

Entropy

Chaos randomness disorder chaos randomness disorder chaos randomness disorder chaos rand—

Resistance.

This was the only candle burning bright in my chest. The only ray illuminating my darkness. I had to keep it alight and protected. For if it went out, I’d be done. I’d be completely and utterly alone.

I had to keep resisting, even in the simplest forms. In the most ineffective forms. In all the forms that seemed silly and irrelevant. I had to wake up every day. I had to work hard every day. I had to retain my dignity every day. I had to remember who I was, what I was, and where I truly belonged.

I had to remain human.

Chaos. Randomness. Disorder.

They do not have to always resemble the same thing. They can even represent opposites.

I stood up slowly and took small steps towards the cell door.

I reached the door and smiled lightly. The sort of bittersweet smile that reflects a storm inside. The sort of smile preceding a necessary act that you know will probably hurt you, but one you have to commit nonetheless.

I put my lips to the small window on the steel door.

___

Resistance

Staying silent wounds the human being from the inside. Being forced to shut up cuts even deeper.

All the words left unspoken eat you up and burn your soul. They fill your brain with rust and your heart with agony.

Helplessness kills. Rebellion liberates. I couldn’t keep it all in anymore. It was suffocating me. I already knew what it felt like to let it all out. To speak up no matter the consequences. To enjoy the agonizing consequences because they were the result of practicing your freedom. The result of humanity.

And I can’t do it now. I have to live with the fact that I would remain silent for now, because I am scared. Yes, I am scared.

But I am not silent, am I? Change comes in all forms and shapes. I experienced the priceless feeling firsthand. I knew what it was like to touch somebody’s life and feel the difference it made. I knew what it was like to feel the swerve of their path onto a newly discovered one. One they were too scared to tread before. One they could take steady steps on now that you had illuminated the way and guided them through it.

I knew. And I was thankful.

Yet, silence still hurt. I had to do something. At least something symbolic.

I stood up slowly, and took small steps towards the window.

I reached the door and smiled lightly. The sort of bittersweet smile that reflects a storm inside. The sort of smile preceding a necessary act that you know will probably not change anything at all, but one you have to commit nonetheless.

I stuck my face outside the window.

___

Forever

And screamed at the top of my lungs.

¹ Izetbegovic, Alija. Islam between East and West. Indianapolis, IN: American Trust Publications, 1993. p. 169.

² Ezzeldine Shoukri Fesheir, Bab Al-Khoroug, (Dar Al Shorouk 2012). Translated by the writer.